I love word play. Some good funnies

[Lance B]

Lexiphile (i.e., "lovers of words" - you know. . . like, you can tune a
piano, but you can't tuna fish. . . or, I wondered why the baseball was
getting bigger. . . then it hit me. . . etc.).


To write with a broken pencil is . . . pointless.

When fish are in schools they sometimes . . . take debate.

A thief who stole a calendar . . . got twelve months.

When the smog lifts in Los Angeles , . . . U.C.L.A.

The professor discovered that her theory of earthquakes . . . was on shaky ground.

The batteries were given out . . . free of charge.

A dentist and a manicurist married. .. . . They fought tooth and nail.

A will is a . . . dead giveaway.

If you don't pay your exorcist . . . you can get repossessed.

With her marriage, she got a new name . .. . and a dress.

Show me a piano falling down a mineshaft and I'll show you . . . A-flat miner.

You are stuck with your debt if . . . you can't budge it.

Local Area Network in Australia : . . . The LAN down under.

A boiled egg is . . . hard to beat.

When you've seen one shopping center . . . you've seen a mall.

Police were called to a day care where a three-year-old was . . . resisting a rest.

Did you hear about the fellow whose whole left side was cut off? . . .
He's all right now.

If you take a laptop computer for a run you could . . .. jog your memory.

A bicycle can't stand alone; . . . it is two tired.

In a democracy it's your vote that counts; in feudalism, . . . it's your Count that votes.

When a clock is hungry . . .. it goes back four seconds

The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine . . . was fully recovered.

Those who get too big for their britches will be . .. . exposed in the end.

When she saw her first strands of gray hair, . . . she thought she'd dye.

Acupuncture: . . . a jab well done.

and my favorite............

He had a photographic memory . . . which was never developed.

[ameerat42]

To write with a broken pencil is . . . pointless.
(This is good, I don't get it.)



Local Area Network in Australia : . . . The LAN down under.
(This has been around since the time of Cook!)


G:D:Dd ones Lance.

[Bennymiata]

A pair of jumper cables walks into a bar.
The bartender says to them "Don't start anything!"

A sandwich walks into a bar.
The bartender says to it "Sorry, we don't serve food here".

My wife and I are in the Iron and Steel business.
She irons, and I steal.

[Lance B]

Here are some more:

I changed my iPod's name to Titanic. It's syncing now.

When chemists die, they barium.

Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.

I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid. He says he can stop any time.

How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.

I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.

This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never met herbivore.

I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I just can't put it down.

I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.

They told me I had type-A blood, but it was a Type-O.

PMS jokes aren't funny; period.

Why were the Indians here first? They had reservations.

We’re going on a class trip to the Coca-Cola factory. I hope there's no pop quiz.

I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.

Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn't control her pupils?

When you get a bladder infection urine trouble.

Broken pencils are pointless.

I tried to catch some fog, but I mist.

What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.

England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool .

I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.

I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx.

All the toilets in New York 's police stations have been stolen. The police have nothing to go on.

I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.

Haunted French pancakes give me the crêpes.

Velcro — what a rip off!

A cartoonist was found dead in his home. Details are sketchy.

Venison for dinner again? Oh deer!

The earthquake in Washington obviously was the government's fault.

[Cargo]

Love word play too Lance ...
Off to hit the cryptic now :D
Thanks

[Duane Pipe]

Thanks for the giggle lance:th3:

[Xebadir]

My girlfriend and I have enjoyed a hearty laugh over some clever humor, thanks heaps Lance, and as payment for the humor:

Two peanuts walked into a bar ... one was a salted.

Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana.

The butcher backed into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work.

The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

Don’t join dangerous cults: Practice safe sects.

A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: ‘Keep off the Grass.’

She was only a whisky maker, but he loved her still.

The roundest knight at King Arthur’s table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.

A plateau is a high form of flattery.

If you jump off a Paris bridge, you are in Seine.


Thoroughly fun to play with words.

[Bennymiata]

What was the name of the swagman in Waltzing Matilda?

It was Andy.
'Andy sat, Andy watched, Andy waited til his billy boiled.'


You won’t hear from me for a while mate. Being investigated for
stealing swimming pool inflatables……..I gotta lilo.


Paddy got a letter in the post this morning. It landed on the floor,
says on the envelope DO NOT BEND. He’s still wondering how to pick it up!

[ameerat42]

...Andy waited til his billy boiled...


Actually, Benny, while he was billing abong with his friend Tillie he changed his name by deed poll to Azzie. That's why it goes:

"...Azzie waited Tillie's billy boiled..."

Well, you know the rest.

[ving]

Haha, too good :)thnx for the giggles.
I wonder how these translate to Hebrew?

Sent from my HTC Incredible S using Tapatalk 2